ACT I - The Title

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_The Title_

A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS

BY
ARNOLD BENNETT

LONDON
CHATTO & WINDUS
MCMXVIII

CHARACTERS

MR. CULVER
MRS. CULVER
HILDEGARDE CULVER } their children
JOHN CULVER }
TRANTO
MISS STARKEY
SAMPSON STRAIGHT
PARLOURMAID

ACT I

An evening between Christmas and New Year, before dinner.

ACT II

The next evening, after dinner.

ACT III

The next day, before lunch.

The scene throughout is a sitting-room in the well-furnished West End abode of the Culvers. There is a door, back. There is also another door (L) leading to Mrs. Culver's boudoir and elsewhere.

ACT I

ACT I

Hildegarde _is sitting at a desk, writing_. John, _in a lounging attitude, is reading a newspaper_.

_Enter_ Tranto, _back_.

TRANTO. Good evening.

HILDEGARDE (_turning slightly in her seat and giving him her left hand, the right still holding a pen_). Good evening. Excuse me one moment.

TRANTO. All right about my dining here to-night? (Hildegarde _nods_.) Larder equal to the strain?

HILDEGARDE. Macaroni.

TRANTO. Splendid.

HILDEGARDE. Beefsteak.

TRANTO. Great heavens! (_imitates sketchily the motions of cutting up a piece of steak. Shaking hands with_ John, _who has risen_). Well, John. How are things? Don't let me disturb you. Have a cigarette.

JOHN (_flattered_). Thanks. (_As they light cigarettes_.) You're the first person here that's treated me like a human being.

TRANTO. Oh!

JOHN. Yes. They all treat me as if I was a schoolboy home for the hols.

TRANTO. But you are, aren't you?

JOHN. In a way, of course. But--well, don't you see what I mean?

TRANTO (_sympathetically_). You mean that a schoolboy home for the hols isn't necessarily something escaped out of the Zoo.

JOHN (_warming_). That's it.

TRANTO. In fact, what you mean is you're really an individual very like the rest of us, subject, if I may say so, to the common desires, weaknesses and prejudices of humanity--and not a damned freak.

JOHN (_brightly_). That's rather good, that is. If it's a question of the Zoo, what I say is--what price home? Now, homes _are_ extraordinary if you like--I don't know whether you've ever noticed it. School--you can understand school. But home--! Strange things happen here while I'm away.

TRANTO. Yes?

JOHN. It was while I was away they appointed Dad a controller. When I heard--I laughed. Dad a controller! Why, he can't even control mother.

		Totality is present even in the broken pieces. Aldous Huxley